Manless in Manhattan

There are four million men in New York. Seriously. Four million men. About 788,000 of them live on the island of Manhattan. Aside from how many men inhabit this place, how many rom coms have you seen set in Manhattan? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, 13 Going on 30, When Harry Met Sally, You’ve Got Mail, the list goes on for what seems like forever. As an avid lover of rom coms- especially those set in my favorite city- I will be the first to say that they had my perception of finding love in New York far, far removed from reality. 

Coming to New York, I can honestly say that men were close to the last thing on my mind. Having my heart broken more than I’d care to admit over the past two years, and having ended a relationship not terribly long before coming here, I had named this year my official “Year Off Men.” Seriously. Ask any one of my girlfriends, and they’ll tell you just that (they might tell you they didn’t believe me when I said it, but they’ll tell you it was the plan.) I was actually really excited at the idea of it too. As someone who used to proudly frequent my favorite frat houses, was easily made giddy by terribly underwhelming men, and invested so much into men who gave the bare minimum or less- taking a year off sounded like exactly what I needed. I knew it would be hard, but I also knew it would be a hell of a lot easier living on a campus lacking fraternities and the type of men that make them up.

So my year off men? That lasted, uhm, a good three months. (I love men! Sue me!) I hadn’t been around straight men in, well, about three months, and I found myself missing those dirty frat basements and the simple joys of having a crush. So yeah, by October, I’d downloaded a dating app- because I knew full well I wasn’t meeting anyone organically on campus. I didn’t have much luck on the app- lots of swiping, fewer matches, even fewer conversations, and no dates. Until I did! By the end of the month, I was talking to two guys, and the butterflies were back. And if you’re anything like me, you may have thought this could lead to my last first date. I’m a hopeless romantic who's seen just about every 90s/2000s rom com on Netflix. However, long story short? Neither one of those men made it through November. 

I’ve since given up hope on the app. After all, any success stories you hear from it (in my opinion) are the exception- not the rule. And isn’t it one of the biggest cliches in the book that you can’t go looking for love? It’ll find you when you’re ready? That’s what we might need to tell ourselves, anyway.

In my experience, dating in New York is far (may I again emphasize, far) from what it appears to be when Matthew McConaughey’s involved. I haven’t been featured on the kiss cam at a Knicks game, nor have I ventured to Staten Island to play ‘bullshit’ with anyone’s family. Although, I do feel I should mention, I have met just a couple of men. And don’t worry, I have truly romantic stories to share. 

Last fall, I met a man at a club after he walked up and gave me a line about how beautiful I looked! Although it wasn’t the most creative line I’ve ever heard, I was in the mood to dance! We danced and we talked for most of the night. I wasn’t quite head over heels, but I was intrigued for sure. I mean, don’t blame me for wanting it to be love- even if it wasn’t quite love at first night… Shortly before I went home, he off-handedly mentioned that he was thirty. I have never disappeared faster. (There is only one thirty year old man in this world I would go for and never look back. He used to be in a boyband, now he sings about watermelons.) Moving right along, let me paint another ugly picture. You know the ‘finance bros’ you think of when you think of Wall Street? The type that watched The Wolf of Wall Street one time and adopted it as their religion? I came face to face with a man I think could’ve been their leader. As my friends left to take our jackets to coat check, I ventured to the bar to get drinks. Before I’d even ordered one, I had been educated (this time, by a tall brunette man my own age!) as to exactly how the 2008 financial crisis was born. By the time I had three vodka Red Bulls in hand, I’d heard how it ended. I cannot to save my life remember how this man began our conversation, but I am positive there was no exchange of names. This interaction was very short lived, but at least I learned something new I guess? 

I could sit here and recount stories like these all day (I may have enough for another page, tops) but what would we gain from that? Some giggles for sure, maybe some short-lived entertainment, but we’ll save those for another day. Point being, while I may have tried and failed here and there to take a hiatus from my year (or however many months) off men, it never quite worked out the way I thought it would. I haven’t found my rom com love yet, although maybe a few scenes for a comedy. All of this to say, though, that I really am okay with that. 

I’ve spent my time in the city prioritizing my passion, my girlfriends, and yes, myself! I’ve gotten to experience things and see places with people that I know I’ll love forever- no risk of a breakup to turn those memories sour. I’ve learned to take myself out for solo dates and to genuinely find joy in that. Dressing up to go out for a cocktail, just me and a book, has been something I’ve been loving. A solo day in Washington Square Park is also at the top of my list- I’m learning to slow down, and even just people watch sometimes. 

I think I’ll always believe in a rom com type of love. I’ll always be a romantic at heart. I trust, and I love hard, and I love passionately- and that’s definitely led to some wounds I’m still healing from. But one of these days, I truly do believe that it will lead me to my own kind of rom com love. So maybe a “year off men” wasn’t quite realistic, but finding my very own Ben Barry off the bat wasn’t either. So after all of that, I think I’ll operate at a happy medium. I’m off the dating apps, but I may stare just a few seconds extra at a cute guy on the street. 

So what do you think? Were you expecting a different story from a single 21 year old girl living in the heart of Manhattan? Yeah, me too. But I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I wasn’t meant to find love yet, but I was meant to learn a bit more about the recession!

 Until next time<3

Xx,

Kiki in NYC<3