Just Let Go.

 This post is about to get very personal. I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind- leaving relationships that don’t serve you. Cutting people out of your life that don’t deserve the love you’re giving them. This feels hypocritical to write- I still struggle with this- but I’ve learned a lot. A favorite podcast, For You From Eve, said it best: “Sometimes you have to close the book on a chapter you aren’t finished reading.” (You can find the episode linked in my Instagram highlights!) This quote hit home for me, so I want to share what I’ve learned. 

     I had one specific relationship in my life that taught me a lot about this. One where I gave everything, because I so badly wanted this person to want me the way I wanted them- and they didn’t. I felt like I needed to show them why they should- like I needed to earn it from them. So I gave everything, because in my mind if I could show them everything that I was and the way that I could love them, then they would want me and love me. I exhausted myself. I tirelessly offered everything I could. I tried to convince them that I liked what they liked, I wanted what they wanted, I felt the way they felt. I tried to convince myself, too. But it was never enough, and I kept finding myself confused, disappointed, and alone. I was never to them what they were to me, but I just kept trying to be that. I kept thinking I just had to give- or be- a little bit more. So that’s exactly what I kept trying to do. For months I tried to convince myself that this person loved me, but just showed it differently than I did, and that’s why I was giving so much and receiving so little. I pretended to care so much less than I did and that just isn’t who I am. I felt like it was who I needed to be, but it was never who I really was. It never has been and never will be. It took this person completely removing themselves from my life out of the blue for me to see everything for what it really had been. That was when I started to see, I was never Kiana to them. 

     Now, to me, Kiana means so much. Kiana is wholesome, genuine, and beautiful. She loves hard and has so much to offer. She loves her people so fiercely, and never lets them forget how strong she feels about them or just how much she would do for them. She is passionate. Passionate about the people she loves, the things that set her soul on fire, and her dreams and goals. She is hardworking and relentless in pursuit of the things that she wants for herself, she has big goals and big dreams and she never gives them up.  But I couldn’t see this for myself yet. 

     The hurt that I felt when this person left me was the worst hurt I have ever felt. It broke my heart in a way I had never experienced. It wasn’t a break up, I hadn’t been dating this person- our relationship wasn’t like that, we had always been friends. This was a different kind of hurt, foreign to me. I was alone because someone I loved and invested so much in hadn’t wanted me. I just felt so worthless. I had given someone everything, and let them get to know every piece of everything that I was, but they just didn’t want it. They used me for what they wanted, when they wanted, but they never wanted me. I had no value to this person that I had invested all of myself in, so how was I to believe that I had any value at all?  

     Fortunately for me, this hurt came at the end of school, so very soon it was time to go home for the summer. This felt dooming to me at the time, but ended up being the biggest blessing. I don’t talk to many people from home anymore, so saying that I felt alone was an understatement. I spent the first weeks in a self-pitying frenzy, where I spent a lot of time crying and longing to be in the past. One day, I decided I didn’t want to feel that pain anymore. 

     I had been going to the gym for a while, but now I really committed. I started taking care of my body. I read a lot of self help books. I picked up countless extra work shifts. I listened to podcasts about wellness, got really into journaling, started meditating, did affirmations, and gave up negative self talk. I no longer reached out to friends that didn’t reach out to me- I prioritized the ones that did. I did a lot of things alone. I had dreaded and feared being alone for so long, but that was where my healing journey began. I turned into the best version of myself. I wasn’t insecure about things I had been for so long, my anxiety was at an all time low, and I genuinely loved myself- and kept working on me for me. Why am I telling you this? Because I wasted time seeking love and validation from someone else, when the only person who could really give it to me was myself. 

    You have to let go of the people who aren’t serving you. You should never feel as if you have to earn someone’s love, or show them why they should want you. You are worth so much, and sometimes it takes getting hurt and picking yourself back up to see that. It is so important to know your worth and to love yourself, because if you don’t, the feeling of rejection will eat you alive. Never let someone tell you they don’t want you more than once. When you know your value and someone doesn’t want it- you’ll be strong enough to leave. 

     As hard as it is to hear, sometimes you can give someone everything and they can get to know you for all that you are and still not want you. The hardest part is knowing that that’s okay. You aren’t for everyone. You are a beautiful, amazing, person who is perfect in the eyes of so many. Some people just aren’t compatible. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough, or that you’re asking too much. Another quote from that podcast was, “At the end of the day you’re never asking too much, you're just asking the wrong person.” I wasn’t compatible with the person that I tried so hard for, but nothing I ever could’ve done would’ve changed that. I constantly felt I was asking too much- I didn’t even think I could just be asking the wrong person. As hard as I tried, I never would have been enough for that person, even though they knew me like no one else did. It’s hard to understand, and even harder to be okay with, and I think that’s why so many people have to learn it by getting hurt. But the first step of finding people who will love you fully is loving yourself fully- regardless of if somebody else does. 

     As much as I wish I would’ve walked away so much sooner, I know that this person, experience, and hurt taught me so much. It taught me that no matter how hard I may try, some people will never want me. And I have to learn to be okay with that, and live with that. Everyone does. What’s important is that I know now. I can get out of relationships that I know will only hurt me in the end. You have to be willing to leave the people that will never treat you the way you deserve to be treated. When you learn to love yourself fully, you will be. Let go of the people that aren’t serving you, and choose yourself first.