Change is Hard

Fall is the season of CHANGE. Everyone’s going through it to some capacity. Whether it's big or small, voluntary or not, change is change. Right now, I’m going through a big- voluntary- change. This year, I went from a Big 10 university that’s surrounded by cornfields to a smaller school that's in the biggest city in the country. And I did it alone, may I add. Living in New York City and going to the Fashion Institute of Technology has been many things so far. It’s been anxiety-inducing, the cause of more insecurity than I’d like to admit, a little lonely, and overwhelming at times. But more than all of those things combined, it has been amazing. I wouldn’t change it. 

I spent so long focused on just getting here that I never stopped to think about what I would do when I actually did it. I’ve had this goal, “fashion school in nyc,” in my mind for so long that now that I’ve reached it I’m feeling kind of lost. That’s how these things tend to go, isn’t it? You can want something so much, but once you reach it and things start to change, it’s overwhelming. Not only that, but once I could say I actually made it- I turned around and my favorite people weren’t by my side. I love my life at Purdue. LOVE. It isn’t perfect, but nothing is. I love it so much because of the people there. Purdue, to me, is my people. I’ve made relationships with those people unlike anything I’d ever come close to having before. They’re my biggest supporters- and you know they were over the moon for me when I got into my dream school in my dream city. I just didn’t realize how hard it would be without having them here to do it with me. 

When I first started feeling a little bit lonely, I thought- “WAIT A DAMN MINUTE. You’re in NEW YORK CITY- think about all you did to get here- you do NOT get to be upset right now.” BUT- if you’re an avid Kiki Thrifts reader, you KNOW we don’t allow that behavior here. Here, we know that ALL OF OUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. So yes, maybe I sacrificed a lot to get here and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. But you know what? I miss my fucking friends. And that’s okay. It’s natural. I’m used to a big social circle at Purdue, not to mention a lot of uh- social events as well. I love my social life. I’m a hard worker, so I like to play hard too- sue me. However, my social life is a bit… different at FIT. It’s taking some getting used to. I got lucky enough to end up with 3 roommates that I absolutely adore- which is amazing and I’m so grateful for them. I’d be lost without them, they always help make the bad days good. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that I keep finding myself craving the connections I have at Purdue. 

I say these things to emphasize that even when the change is good- amazing even- there are challenges too. In my case, I’m learning to live my life more independently than I’m used to. I’m learning how to spend some Saturday nights in, doing laundry and catching up on work. I’m learning how to be okay with that, not focusing on what I’d be doing if I was at Purdue. After all, I’m grateful to be somewhere where my work is so focused on what I love- I’m getting an education from one of the best fashion schools in the WORLD. It’s a challenge, but I know that I’ll come out of it so much better off than I went into it. Some days are hard, but some days are really great. It’s taking time, but I’m learning how to deal with the change. I’m trying to keep my focus on all of the good, but I’m also allowing myself to be upset sometimes and recognizing that those feelings are valid. I’m focusing on the things I can control- it does us no good to focus on the things that we can’t. It’s about allowing yourself to process those negative emotions without dwelling on them. I really miss my friend Hayley. I know that I miss her- I allow myself to feel that. However, I don’t lay in bed all day crying that she isn’t here. I get up, go about my day, and focus on feeling grateful for how lucky I am to be here, and​ for her to still be a phone call away . I know that she's so happy for me and while she misses me too, she wants me to be happy and would hate for me to waste this precious time crying over something we can’t change. And besides, I can control calling her often to make sure we stay caught up.

It does us no good to focus on the past or what could’ve been different. We can’t control or change those things. What we can control is our future. Small actions can lead to big results. You can never fully control your life, but you can control the things you do to improve it and to make sure that it’s better down the road. You’re really stressed and overwhelmed about the amount of work you have to do- why focus on the overwhelm when you can sit down and start an assignment? That ensures that in the future, even if just by a little, you’re better off.  You don’t have to finish, but you’re taking action toward it. That’s what’s important. By focusing on what we can control, we’re far better off in the long run. 

All of this to say, change is hard. People go through much bigger and harder changes than what I am right now. They also go through much smaller ones. It’s just about learning how to process it and continue living your life. You don’t get to hit the pause button just because you get uncomfortable or feel lost. You take it day by day and you figure it out as you go. Focus on what you can control, and practice gratitude for new experiences, people, and things. Eventually, it will be your new normal.